hehehhehe....For couples enjoying marital happiness,
the word divorce is better read in the papers or heard in the news. It
is something many dread with so much passion, thus.
Regardless, some people end up on that
route, usually for their inability to reconcile certain differences with
their partners, including issues that have to do with infidelity,
childlessness, domestic abuse and other ‘irreconcilable’ differences.
Expectedly, there is variation in the
way men and women handle post-divorce experience, and many would readily
assume that it bites women harder because they are known to be more
emotional than men.
In addition to the differing physique,
women are seen as fragile; while men are adjudged stronger because they
are (often) expected to be at the forefront in times of trouble, fend
for their family and take up more responsibilities than women. And men
take pride in being seen as stronger.
But beyond these complementary qualities
that place men ‘above’ women, one area men (in spite of their bravado)
helplessly concede to women is in terms of emotional strength.
It is therefore interesting to note that
women cope better with divorce than men, especially if they (women) are
the ones who initiated it.
But it must be established that women
feel hurt by divorce and they tend to feel cheated and more negatively
affected. However, they come out of it after some time and they become
stronger, while men may not recover fully, even though they tend to move
on faster.
In a study by researchers from
Binghamton University in New York and University College London, they
interviewed 5,705 volunteers from 96 countries to rate their emotional
and physical pain after a breakup on a scale of one (none) to 10
(unbearable). The result was published on Mail Online.
One of the researchers, Craig Morris,
said the result of the exercise showed that women reported higher levels
of pain, both physical and emotional. According to him, women averaged
6.84 in emotional pain while men averaged 6.58. And in terms of physical
pain, women averaged 4.21 while men averaged 3.75.
He said while breakups hit women the
hardest, emotionally and physically, they tend to recover fully and come
out emotionally stronger. Men, on the other hand, never fully recover,
they simply move on.
He said, “Put simply, women are evolved
to invest far more in a relationship than a man. For example, a brief
romantic encounter could lead to nine months of pregnancy followed by
many years of lactation, while the man may have ‘left the scene’
literally minutes after the encounter, with no further biological
investment.
‘It is this ‘risk’ of higher biological
investment that, over evolutionary time, has made women choosier about
selecting a high-quality mate. Hence, the loss of a relationship with a
high-quality mate ‘hurts’ more for a woman.
“Conversely, as men have evolved to
compete for the romantic attention of women, the loss of a high-quality
mate for a man may not ‘hurt’ as much at first. The man will likely feel
the loss deeply and for a very long period of time as it ‘sinks in’
that he must ‘start competing’ all over again to replace what he has
lost – or worse still, come to the realisation that the loss is
irreplaceable.”
This implies that both men and women
feel hurt by a divorce, but women are emotionally stronger to handle it
and move on after some time, while men may never fully recover from it.
It is more so when it is the woman who initiated it.
In another study by UK Guardian, women
tend to feel liberated and even better after a divorce, especially if
they have endured the hardship or discomfort for some time, while men
are more likely to seek solace in drinking, sex orgies, going back to a
sex partner or resort to online dating, as divorce often leaves them
devastated, confused and betrayed, especially if the woman made the move
for the divorce.
The study equally revealed that while
divorced men tend to resort to ‘negative’ activities like drinking,
looking out for a partner or an ex they could quickly hook up with for
casual sex, as a form of consolation, women tend to embrace positive
activities that could pull them out of the mood, such as seeing a
counsellor or spending time with friends and family members.
The study recruited 3,515 divorced
adults and asked them the impact of their break up. At the end of the
study, it was found that women tend to handle post-divorce trauma better
than men.
While 46 per cent of women said they
felt liberated and happier to be single, only 37 per cent of men had
such revelation. And while 23 per cent of men were left devastated after
the divorce, only 20 per cent of women gave such comment.
In further demonstration of women’s
ability to handle divorce better, the researchers gathered that seven
per cent of men said they were suicidal afterwards while just three per
cent of women felt same way after.
Interestingly, the study revealed that
men are more likely to remarry while most of such women would rather
stay off new relationship.
“More than two years after a divorce, 41
per cent of men were still sad about the failure of their marriage; for
women the figure was only 33 per cent.
The researchers, however, ascribed the
result to the fact that women have “greater emotional strength” than
men, which according to them, points to how men and women cope with
changes in their life experiences.
Looking at this from another
perspective, the director of Centre for Research in Employment, Skills
and Society at Kingston Business School, United Kingdom, Prof. Yannis
Georgellis, said women tend to be happier with their lives years after
divorce, more so that they feel liberated after the move, instead of
enduring sadness in the union.
In his study that involved 10,000 people
in the UK, Georgellis said the outcome of the research, posted on Mail
Online, showed how men and women react to major life changes, including
marital issues, bereavement and job loss or unemployment.
He concluded that just as men are
usually the worse hit when they lose their jobs, which goes a long way
to dampen their happiness, women are able to move on after a divorce,
unlike men.
He said, “In the study, we took into
account the fact that divorce can sometimes have a negative financial
impact on women, but despite that, it still makes them much happier than
men.
“One possible explanation could be that
women who enter into an unhappy marriage feel much more liberated after
divorce than their male counterparts. There is always hope that things
will be better than before marriage but as the results suggest, on
average, women are happier after divorce.”
Meanwhile, it was gathered that when men
file for divorce, they feel better as it could feel like a good
riddance to an unwanted affair, even though it doesn’t leave their mind,
while the women are left to sob. But after some time, women tend to
recover and move on. Reason? They are emotionally stronger. How long
that takes would depend on what they lost due to the marriage, like
joint investment and not having the custody of their children.
But when women file for divorce, they
let go more easily, leaving the men confused, betrayed and cheated. It
is for this simple reason that such men tend to beg, yes, beg the woman
for forgiveness, usually out of deceit, so she could come back and for
him to initiate the move afresh and lessen the initial pain.
Reacting to the study, a psychologist,
Dr. John Eze, said it would be too general to say women handle divorce
better than men, as it depends on certain factors, which include the
strength of their emotional attachment, presence of children and
financial (in)dependence.
He said if they were very intimate
before the divorce and the man really loves the woman, he would be more
affected, but if they were not very close, both of them may not feel it
as much, “and either of them may already have a partner anyway.”
He added, “If they have children, their
attention turns to the children and in many cases, when women start
having children, they have some allegiance to their husbands and
children. So, if they lose their husband, the children serve as succour.
But if the woman doesn’t have a child or they adopted a child, she is
likely to be more affected, more so that she would have given up some of
the ties she had previously because of marriage.
“Income is another factor. If the woman
is financially dependent on the man and they divorce, the woman would be
more affected, but if she has a source of income, she is less
affected.”
Eze noted that men may likely feel the
brunt of divorce more because women tend to enjoy the empathy of others,
while men are left to take care of themselves which could lead to
another woman they may not really like.
He added, “Before the divorce, people
should not cut their relationship with extended family members and
friends because those are the people to fill the gap when the divorce
takes effect. When there is divorce, people should get close to other
people and they shouldn’t bear it alone.”
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