Fidelis Chidi blog examines the suitable time for parents to teach their children about sex
Little Ebun Joseph (not real name) was
given a rude introduction into the meaning of sex in the most
unimaginable way. And it stemmed from what was supposed to be a
seemingly harmless question.
“Daddy, what is sex?” The little girl asked one day after school.
The father, who is a clergy, hushed her
up gently but firmly. He told her she was not supposed to mention such a
word in the house again. The inquisitive little girl sulked up to her
mother and asked the same question. She got a similar response.
The next day, still unsatisfied by the answers given by her parents, Ebun asked her mother’s driver as he drove her to school.
“Uncle, what is sex?”
In a moment of surprise, the driver’s
mood was twisted by morbid fascination. He warned her not to tell her
parents what he was about to teach her. The little girl innocently
agreed. He decided to ‘show’ her the meaning. He raped her. She was just
six years old at the time. The little girl was too scared to tell her
parents. She went through that ordeal until she was 15, without the
knowledge of her parents.
Experts on sex matters have warned about the dangers of parents shying away from discussing sex with their children.
One of them is a child sexuality
educator and relationship expert, Mr. Praise Fowowe. He said there was
danger in not empowering children about sex education during their
impressionable years.
“This is because the strength of a sex
predator is the ignorance of a child. But once the child is adequately
equipped with the right, appropriate knowledge about sex, it would then
be impossible for a predator to molest that child. Sex education, just
like charity, should start from the home,” Fowowe said.
According to Science Daily, sex
education “is a broad term used to describe education about human
sexual anatomy, sexual reproduction, sexual intercourse, and other
aspects of human sexual behaviour.”
Fowowe further explained that sex
education for children must consider the well-being of a child. “This
includes letting them aware of their body parts, and how they respond
and react to things about their bodies,” he said.
Also, a counselling and developmental
psychologist at the Department of Counselling and Human Development
Studies, University of Ibadan, Oyo State, Prof. Ajibola Falaye, advised
parents to introduce sex education to children when they started to ask
curious questions about their bodies and the making of babies.
She stated, ‘‘From psychology, we know
that some form of basic sex education should begin from between the ages
of three to six. Some children start having immature sex feelings at a
young age. When children ask questions about anatomical differences in
gender, parents should be able to explain to them with straightforward
answers, and not muddled interpretation.
“You don’t have to give too many details
to children about sex. It should be said in a way that children can
understand and appreciate.”
However, sex education remains a
controversial issue, especially in this clime where some, for religious
leanings and fears, believe that children, at whatever age, should not
be taught about sex or anything remotely related to it.
A parenting counsellor and children life
coach, Mr. Kingsley Obom-Egbulem, said some people have kicked against
teaching children about the issues related to sex because of the word
‘sex.’
He said, “Some people have been kicking
against sex education because they believe that when one uses the word
sex, one is actually talking about sexual intercourse and not just the
anatomy. But when it comes to children, I believe parents should start
telling their children about their private body parts as from the age of
one or two. This would help the child to understand his or her body as
he or she grows up.”
Obom-Egbulem likened such basic sex education to ‘arming children against abuse.”
He stated, “Sexual abuse is a real
concern at that level. We should draw a line between sex education and
sexual intercourse. Parents should help their children to become
familiar and comfortable with their body parts. For child rights
activist, Mrs. Helen Oshikoya, sex education should be taught at the
appropriate time, from the puberty ages between of 11 and 13.
Oshikoya however noted that sexual awareness should not be introduced earlier.
She said, “Children should be made to be
aware of the basics about their body parts. Also, one can inform them
that if they are touched inappropriately or gestures of sexual contents
are made to them, they should report such to their parents.”
Besides, Fowowe added that sex education should begin at different stages.
He explained further: “There is what is
called age appropriation sexual education, The first stage can start
when the child is between 18 months and three years, the next stage is
from ages three to five; then five to eight, eight to 12, and from 13 to
18. At these different stages, the children are taught different basics
about sex and values according to the age and maturity.’’
He also said, “The challenge is that
when parents hear of sexual education, they think it is connotes
teaching them about penetration sex. That is not even involved until the
child is old enough, at about 13 or 14. From the age of three for
example, the child needs to be taught about the body parts, and the
proper names and differences between private and public body parts and
how to handle the parts. For the younger ages, story-telling, role plays
and songs are good methods to use in teaching them basic sex education.
From five years upwards, the format changes, which includes, ‘fire on
the mountain’ – what children should avoid, and so on.”
Falaye said parents should take it as a
responsibility to teach their children basic sex education, and not
leave it to others to teach them. She noted that the lack of sex
education and awareness of the issue had led to several problems
plaguing children and society.
She said, “Experimentation in
adolescence and peer influence causes a lot of misguided sexual actions.
That’s why there should be mother-daughter, father-son communication on
sex education, and let them know the right information. Research has
shown that when there is good mother-daughter communication on sex, the
girl is wholesome as far as sex behaviour is concerned. It is the same
with the father-son relationship.”
On her part, Founder, Media Concern
Initiative, Princess Olufemi-Kayode, agreed with Falaye, adding that the
best time to teach sex education should be immediately the child
started inquiring about it.
She said, ‘‘It is the best time to start
teaching one’s child about basic sex education also called sexuality or
life skill education, just like one tells children that they should
stay away from fire and the reasons why; because today’s children are
more advanced and their curiosity is more heightened.”
Olufemi-Kayode noted that parents should also get some needed education to give their kids better education on issues of sex.
Fowowe also noted that it was needful
for parents to begin giving their children sex education at an early age
because of the rate of sexual exposure from outside sources, including
television, Internet and from peers.
Also speaking, a parent, Mr. John
Adewuyi, said it was proper to teach children sex education at early
ages in order for them to be empowered sexually as they advance in age.
“This includes teaching them about their body parts and why daddy is
different from mummy,”he said.
Another parent, Mrs. Ronke Johnson, who
has three children, said she would only start teaching her children
about sex before the age of 10. “But I will start earlier with my girls,
because of the moral decadence in the society,” she said.
Family corner
Dear ma, I have a step
father who comes to my room every time my mother is not around and tells
me to lick his manhood. If I deny, he will beat me with his belt. I
tried telling my mother but she did not believe me. She said I wanted to
ruin her marriage. Please, what should I do? Banke, 13
My dear, first, I want you to know that
there are some children passing through your situation. Some others have
overcome their storm. Never think that what your step father is doing
to you is your fault in anyway. Now, going back to your mother may be
fruitless, hence I want you to look for an adult you can confide in.
There should be someone who is close to your mother and who she
respects. I am very sure there is one like that. I also want you to
avoid being alone with your step father. If you have a close family
friend, plead with your mother that you would want to visit the person,
maybe on a daily basis or you ask the person to visit your home. Also,
try to convince your mother that you want to engage in summer lessons.
The whole point is to avoid being alone with your step father till you
are able to get someone who can speak to your mother. You should also be
careful not to discuss the issue anyhow so as not to draw the anger of
your mother when it becomes public knowledge.
Dear ma, I have a bad habit
of stealing from my mother’s purse. Any time I ask her for money, she
gives it to me but I always want more. On several occasions, she caught
me. She is deeply pained by my habit. How do I stop? Yomi, 15
You need to go back to your mother and
cry out to her. Tell her that you want to stop the bad habit; let her
know that you are done with stealing from her. Meanwhile, whenever you
are tempted to steal, consciously walk away from the house. Take a walk
or go sit outside. You also need to turn a blind eye to things you do
not need. It is not everything you want that you should buy. It is
important you put a stop to this habit, if not, it could aggravate to
something else.
Dear ma, sometimes I think
my father loves my younger sister more than me. He is always buying her
things. Whenever she asks for something, he is quick to give her money.
Yet, when I approach him, he shuns me or tells me he does not have. I
feel bad about it. Ore, 16
I am very sure your father loves both of
you equally. He probably sees you as being the older sibling and that
you should be more mature about things. Since she is younger than you,
he probably wants to pamper her. You could stylishly let him know how
you feel. Also, inform your mother about your feelings. I am sure she
would speak to your father about it. In the meantime, see your younger
sister as your baby. Love and care for her since you are older and she
needs your care.
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