Hmmm....In the company of her only son, Ms.
Funmilola, 37, walked the length of the recreation park before settling
into one of the benches at the extreme. With her dark sunglasses on, she
tried as much as possible to seclude herself from the merrymaking that
had rented the atmosphere.
It was a public holiday, and
understandably, many fun seekers, comprising women, men and children had
trooped into the park to have some good time. They all seemed to be
having fun, except the single mother of one who sat quietly, cuddling
the boy, whom she had recently adopted. The three-year-old munched the
biscuit in his hands in a guileless manner as if there was nothing in
sight to worry about.
Funmilola has virtually become a recluse
following the painful experience she had in her marriage of 11 years
before her husband finally sent her packing, simply because she could
not conceive.
Her story touches the heart deeply, but
no one would imagine she had been through hell in her matrimonial home
until she shared her story to our correspondent after an agreement to
meet for a discussion at the popular park that Thursday afternoon.
Their love affair that used to be envied
by many became one that was largely characterised by frustration and
abuse, such that neighbours and friends had become peacemakers before
they dissolved it.
In an emotive voice, she recalled that
from assault, name-calling, insults, constant abuse to starvation, the
past ten years had been the worst of her life, simply because they
didn’t have a child.
“It got to a point that I asked myself if
I was still living with the same man I married; he suddenly became a
beast, beating me on any slight provocation, calling me barren, harlot
and useless, just because I couldn’t conceive,” she said as she wiped
her tears the ninth time within three minutes.
She
continued, “He was my best friend before we got married. We had a
beautiful wedding, so our honeymoon was fun. We were ready to have
children as quickly as possible so we could move on. But, one year
after, there was nothing, second year passed, I didn’t conceive. Then I
became apprehensive.
“We went for several tests, but doctors
told us to be patient. Doctors told us we were both okay medically, but
nothing changed. In some places, they said it was mere anxiety that was
stopping me from conceiving, so they told me to be calm. In some other
places, they said he had low sperm count, so we had to review his diet. I
guess we did our best.
“He assured me of his love and I tried to
be calm, but knowing the kind of mother-in-law I had, coupled with the
fact that he is the only male child, I was getting worried, because the
woman was already being hostile to me, singing and talking in proverbs.”
With the kind of support and understanding Funmi enjoyed from her husband, she should have nothing to worry about.
But as if her husband suddenly got hold
of a medical report that indicted her, Funmilola recalled that the way
her husband suddenly changed in the 10th year of their marriage remained
a mystery she had yet to decipher.
She continued, “He became something else.
He refused to eat at home and he started treating my family members
with disdain anytime they came around. His mother started frustrating me
and she once told me that I should leave her son’s house if I was no
longer comfortable. As if those were not enough, he started beating me,
saying I was rude to his mother. And I wasn’t. I couldn’t have, because I
have parents too. He continued like that for months until he threw my
things out of the house one evening early in the year.
“Before that, I visited places that my
faith would ordinarily not permit, because all I wanted was a child, but
nothing came out of it. That was how I started living alone. I cried
for months, but that didn’t bring any succour.
“I have adopted a child now and I’m okay
with that. Sometimes, I ask myself why I got married in the first place.
Maybe I shouldn’t have bothered. This boy gives me utmost joy,” she
said as she cuddled the boy who had been eating biscuit all along.
Funmilola’s experience is quite
disturbing and many who know her would empathise with her, but that is
just one of the excruciating experiences that women go through in their
marriages if they are unable to conceive.
In Nigeria and some other parts of the
world, even when there are no reasons to suggest that the woman is the
cause of the problem, they often bear the brunt of the inability of
their union to produce a child. Many have lost their homes while several
others whose marriages are still intact are having hellish experiences,
hoping it would soon be their turn to rejoice.
Unlike Funmilola, who has settled for
adoption and has vowed not to love or marry again, Sola remarried two
years after she was booted out by her husband. She is now blessed with
two children, but that is not enough reason to let go of the agonising
experience that characterised her first marriage.
He was her first love and they thought
they had a promising future together. They also had a number of joint
investments worth millions with which they had planned to raise their
(un)born children. But all those fantasies have eluded them now as they
are no longer together.
She explained, “He was my first love. We
met while in the university and we had a satisfying courtship. We got
married and things were going on smoothly between us. We were both
employed, so we decided to have joint investment. I earned a little more
than him, and because he paid the bills, I invested more in the
business. But we didn’t have a child.
“Initially we were not worried because
doctors told us it was not abnormal, so, we were not troubled, but we
kept trying. After the fourth year, Ibukun, as she fondly called him,
started behaving somehow. He wouldn’t eat in the house; sometimes he
would come back home drunk, he started womanising; he was abusive and
then it became very frustrating for me.”
If those were just the things she faced,
she probably wouldn’t have opted out of the marriage. But Ibukun took
things to another level when he started beating her, bringing other
women home and openly told her he would not make love to her again
because she had “not justified the ones he had deposited in her.”
“While philandering with other women he
was carrying about, he impregnated two of them, and he would still bring
them home and beat me. His sisters would humiliate me and call me names
and he wouldn’t say anything. I didn’t want to leave because of the
stigma attached to women who are divorced, so I reported him to his
mother, who told me it is an abomination to be childless in their
lineage. After a disagreement one afternoon, he threatened to kill me if
I didn’t leave. He brought out his gun and almost shot me.
“My brother, my life is more important,
even though I won’t let go of my life savings that I had invested in the
business. We’ll share it because I don’t even want to have anything to
do with him again. I’m happy where I am, but that man treated me badly,
and I won’t forget that experience. He became the worst thing to happen
to me. Perhaps I would have been better if I never met him,” she
concluded.
Frustration, lamentation and regrets of
varying proportions are central to the experiences of women who have
delay in having a child, as childbirth is seen as compulsory in a
marriage, at least in the African setting. When such men come under
pressure from family members and friends, the wives end up taking the
hit at home.
Even though findings have shown that men
are as responsible for infertility as women, women are often being
treated as being the root cause of the issue, which sometimes subject
them to harsh treatment from their husbands.
Some of such women who are still waiting for the fruit of the womb, as it is so called, told us
that their experiences in their husbands’ homes had been very
traumatic, saying their spouse who should have stood in the gap for them
became their worst enemies. In situations where the husband tries to
understand, mothers-in-law could emerge as the pain in the neck.
Notably, some of these traumatised women
left their husband’s houses in one piece, but Mrs. Bimbo Ajijola lives
every day of her life with broken heart, also for not having a child.
In her narrative that could move anyone
to tears, the depressed civil servant recalled how her husband of five
years gave up on their bid to have a child, as she could not conceive.
“We both did several tests, but we were
assured that we would have a child. My husband became impatient. He said
he was tired of having sex with me because all the ones he had been
doing had not produced any result and he wasn’t ready to waste his sperm
again, unless I would give him ‘blow job’. I rebuked him for making
such suggestion to me.”
In a bid to save her marriage, Ajijola,
who clocked 45 few months ago, said she visited many prophets for
prayers but nothing came out of it.
“There was a time a prophet was praying
for me and was touching my tummy. He said God had forgiven me for those
abortions that I did. He said it was my numerous abortions that caused
my childlessness, whereas I have never had an abortion before.
“In fact, it was my husband who had low
sperm count, and we both knew but I couldn’t tell the prophet he was
lying because I didn’t want to expose my husband. Even his family
members saw me as the culprit. So, I had to bear all the insults.
“I went to many places all because I
wanted a child, but nothing came out of it. I lost so much money to
prophets who assured me that I would be pregnant, but nothing to show
for it.”
They still live together, but they are
like mere tenants, as nothing, apart from sexual intercourse, brings
them together. “He doesn’t talk to me again, unless in the presence of
visitors, and I’m getting used to it. I keep praying to God and
believing Him to do a miracle,” she added.
While Ajijola has some relative peace in
her own home, even though their communication had broken down, Amina
Ibrahim (not real names) has lost count of how many times her husband
had locked her out of the house at night for not getting pregnant.
She didn’t mince words when she told
Saturday PUNCH that the hurt she feels in her marriage is something that
might not go away, adding that she might opt out of the marriage
anytime soon.
The couple who live in a tenement
apartment in Ogba, Lagos had attracted the wrath of their neighbours and
landlord several times in their 10-year-old marriage, owing to their
endless fight.
She lamented that her husband had
compelled her to take several concoctions from different sources which
had not yielded any result, hence, her reluctance. “I promised not to
take any more medicine and then he has not stopped beating me,” she
said.
The husband, popularly known as Alfa,
said he never meant to assault his wife but that owing to their
childlessness, their spiritual father had given her a medicine to use
regularly to facilitate her conception, but that she had refused to use
the medicine.
“That is the cause of the fight most of
the time. We want a child, we sought for help and we were given a
potion, but instead of taking it, she would be saying it tastes very
sour. I’m always irritated anytime she gives me that excuse. So, why
won’t we fight? If not that I have sworn not to marry a second wife, we
would have parted ways. I want a child but she’s not cooperating.”
Therefore, it is not for nothing that
women who have waited for years and are able to conceive eventually act
as if they had been freed from captivity.
While these women have continually been
in the eye of the storm, even when they are not at fault, some have had
to visit or consult persons who would end up duping them or taking
advantage of them, including fake clerics, fortune-tellers and falling
prey to the tactics of some hospitals, coupled with the fact that
adoption is not well embraced in this part of the world.
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