Again,
I'm NOT a relationship or marriage expert. However, I believe that
sharing my views about this issue may help someone out there who is
worried about marriage.
During an event, I witnessed a very interesting conversation that
transpired amongst some Nigerian millenial women (probably in their
early-to-mid twenties) regarding finding “Mr Right” and marriage.
One of the women present, a 24-year-old pretty Ibo girl who already
has a thriving career (let’s call her “Ada”, expressed concerns about
finding a good husband. Ada asked her peers present, what it would take
to find a man who wouldn’t be intimidated by her success.
She also stated that she always wondered when/how/where she would
find a husband, as she’s an Ibo girl and “time isn’t on her side.” In
addition, she mentioned that she was under pressure from some of her
family members to get married.
Some of the other women present at the event advised her to
disregard the pressure she was experiencing and just be patient about
finding a hubby.
After hearing Ada express her concerns about marriage, I felt the need to address this issue on my blog.
Here is some advice on the issue from my own perspective. Again,
I’m NOT a relationship or marriage expert. However, I believe that
sharing my views about this issue may help someone out there who is
worried about marriage.
My thoughts on finding the right husband are as follows:
Don’t look for him. He will find you
I believe that when you are truly ready to meet your God-ordained
partner, he will find you when you least expect it. You don’t have to go
hunting for a man. I really don’t believe that seeking love should be a
stressful affair. Love yourself. Stay true to yourself. When you are
ready in God’s eyes, lifetime bae will come.
Put God first
The mere fact that you love someone doesn’t necessarily mean you
should marry them. Put God first. Pray about the person and ask God if
he is truly the person you are meant to be with for a lifetime. From my
experience, you will get the answer to this question in unique ways. God
may blatanly give you an answer via dreams and visions. Or you may
suddenly find yourself in a particular situation with your partner, and
judging by the way you both react it, the answer will become clear. The
answer may also come seemingly serendipitously while you are interacting
with other people in your everyday life.
Don’t compare Your Man with Your Friend’s Man
You never know what’s going on behind closed doors in anyone’s
relationship. So don’t go comparing your partner with anyone else’s. For
instance, let’s say your partner is very materially wealthy. He pays
all your bills, gives you a monthly allowance, and takes you on shopping
trips around the world. But then you have a friend whose partner isn’t
as wealthy as yours and perhaps they split all their bills 50-50, but it
appears that what he lacks in finances, he makes up for with touching
acts of love and heartfelt displays of affection – a quality you may
feel like your own partner doesn’t have as much of. Then you start to
feel envious because you want more of what you friend’s partner has.
Don’t do that! Be content with what what you have. Longing for what
someone else has ultimately leads to feelings of discontent, which may
prevent you from missing out on the fact that your own partner may just
be husband material.
If he encourages your success, he’s a keeper!
You don’t need a man who feels intimidated by your success. Rather,
he should encourage you to be the best version of yourself in all areas
of your life. Even if you are doing better than him financially or
career-wise, he should be proud of you and keep encouraging you to excel
even more.
If he’s showing signs of jealousy or a controlling nature due to
the fact that you’re doing well, please run away fast and don’t look
back. Do NOT think you can change him during marriage.
I once had a friend that experienced this same situation. Her
fiancé had never liked the fact that she made more money than he did,
and he was actually very vocal about his displeasure. However, due to
pressure she had put on herself to get married at a certain age, she
convinced herself that she could work on changing his mindset during the
marriage. Sadly, this was not the case.
Under the guise of wanting to be her sole provider and be a good
husband, when they got married, he convinced her to quit her six-figure
salary job and be a housewife. And that’s when his true colors really
began to show. He started to emotionally and physically abuse and
manipulate her. Well, that marriage didn’t last up to a year, because
she filed for a divorce after she realized that no amount of fasting and
prayers would ever change him.
Don’t succumb to family pressure
Easier said than done in many cases, I know. But the truth of the
matter is that often times, this pressure is exerted for selfish
reasons. Many parents want to feel proud to tell their friends that
their daughter is finally getting married. They want to organize an
elaborate wedding to boost their own egos, sell aso-ebi, and just be
all-round “extra.”
Girl, remember that wedding only lasts for one or two days, and the
marriage lasts for a lifetime! After parents, friends, and wedding
guests have finished eating all the small chops, jollof rice, nkwobi,
amala and gbegiri, they will go back to their own homes to their own
families. You will subsequently be left alone with your husband. You may
never even get any phone calls from many of your so-called “aunties”
and “uncles” after the wedding to check on you to enquire about how you
are coping in your new home. NOPE. Once they digest and poo out the
small chops, you become a distant memory in their minds. So why get
married to please them or anyone else?
I once heard about a woman who found out the day before the wedding
that her husband-to-be (whom parents had “arranged” for her by the way)
was cheating on her with an ex girlfriend. She told her mom she wanted
to call off the wedding, but mommy was like “yo dude, we’ve paid for the
hall, cake, food, people are attending from out of town, just manage
for now and sort it out during the marriage.” LOL.
Anyways you get the point. DON’T MARRY TO PLEASE YOUR FAMILY. Do it
on your own terms, how and when you want to do it. Who cares if you are
over 30 and unmarried? Marriage is not a competition. Or an
achievement. Don’t let family and society brainwash you.
Source: Queen Moremi
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