hehehe....Sometimes in couples’ lives, sex is
spontaneous, such that there would be no time to prepare or plan ahead.
It just happens; they enjoy it and before they could say Jack Robinson,
it all ends.
At some other times, they plan for it,
look forward to it, relish the thought of it happening, and it happens
anyway. But, behind the fantasies people build around sex, findings have
shown that both men and women have some fears about their performance
in bed. These could even make them nervous, but these are fears they
often don’t want to share with anyone, not even their partner.
Though, men may sound promising and
appear fearless when it comes to sex, right behind that bravery, experts
say there could be fears lurking behind. These are some of them and how
to deal with them:
Fear of premature ejaculation:
Longer sexual intercourse does not only
help men to enjoy sex the more, it also boosts their ego. This means the
longer they go, the stronger their confidence. Thus, according to
experts, and a post on Times of India, the fear of ejaculating
so quickly is one main factor that unsettles them during sexual
performance. From a study conducted by two scientists, Eric Corty and
Jenay Guardiani, of Pennsylvania State University in the United States,
satisfactory sexual intercourse for men should be between seven and 13
minutes. Thus, if a man ejaculates before seven minutes, it could be
deemed premature and such could erode his confidence. Notably, premature
ejaculation has been linked to anxiety, stress, guilt, depression,
hormonal problems, injury and side effect of certain drugs. And given
the huge impact of this on couples’ sexual lives, there is a way out.
Experts have advised that people experiencing this sexual dysfunction
could take a break or get themselves distracted (in the mind) when they
are about to reach that destination or men could employ the relaxation
technique, in which case, the wife could caress his scrotum when she
feels he’s about to ejaculate. These are independent of the option of
rubbing medically recommended creams and gels on the penis to reduce the
sensation of the penis and make them last longer.
Fear of not satisfying the woman:
This factor is akin to premature
ejaculation, but quite different. Findings have shown that it is every
man’s desire to satisfy his wife sexually. But unlike women, men tend to
reach orgasm faster, and once they ejaculate, they lose erection,
become weak, lose interest and start feeling sleepy, at which time the
woman may not have reached that destination, given that it takes them
longer to get there. Therefore, some men tend to be taunted by the fact
that they may not be able to ‘deliver’ for as long as is necessary, thus
the fear being discussed sets in. But there is a way out. Experts have
found that (some) women may not reach orgasm through penetrative sex
because the nerves that should drive them to reach orgasm are not really
in the vagina where they can be stimulated during sex, but in the
clitoris. Thus, instead of entertaining fears, stimulation of the
nipples and clitoris are easier ways to satisfy them.
Penis size: According
to experts, this is another factor that erodes the confidence of men who
find themselves in this situation. It leads to inferiority complex even
among fellow men. And it is for this reason that some men resort to
enlargement of their penis, so as to command respect and boost their
confidence in the presence of their wives. However, studies have shown
that the size of the penis may not matter if ‘it’ is for conception, but
it is a great deal when ‘it’ is for pleasure. When it is big, it would
be able to reach the nerve endings in the vaginal walls. But as a way
out, experts equally advise that rather than engage in unhealthy
practices to enlarge their organs, men with small penis should discuss
their fears with their partners and pay attention to what they can do
with what they have.
Fear of not being up to task:
Out of the compelling need to satisfy
their wives and make sure they are not comparatively disadvantaged,
findings have shown that some men nurse the fear of not being able to
‘deliver’ as is expected of them. Thus, they wonder if they are doing it
right, if they are not old-fashioned or if they are not wild or
abnormal. So, experts have advised that men should ask their wives what
they think of them in bed, which could be a step towards a better
experience between them subsequently.
Fear of being too demanding:
Given that men are moved by what they
see, it has been observed that they are wont to make the first move.
Even when they are fatigued, the woman’s appearance could put them in
the mood. And according to studies, most couples have sex twice or
thrice a week. But findings have shown that men tend to exercise
restraints if they feel they are becoming too demanding. And for those
who have a timetable for sex, going outside the schedule could instil
some fears or restraint.
While men tend to have these fears about their sexual performance, women also have theirs, some of which include:
Body appearance: While
men could be rattled by the size of their penis, women are often
unsettled by what men could think of their body. Some women who spoke to
our correspondent pointed out that the fears about their body could
range from whether they are too fat or too slim, have saggy breasts or
not, do they smell good, does the vagina emit any unpleasant sound
during intercourse? These reservations, according to experts, could
hamper their disposition to sex and their performance eventually,
because they tend to want to avoid being embarrassed. As a way out,
women are advised to discuss their fears with their husbands, ask what
the man thinks about those issues, do they affect his enjoyment of the
act and if they do, they could look for solutions together.
Fear of wrong perception: One
other thing that bothers women when it comes to sexual performance is
what their husbands would think of them if they do anything unusual. For
some who have not been sexually active, they tend to nurse the fear of
being seen as passive in bed, and for the experienced ones, they think
of how to exercise caution so their husbands don’t see them as wild in
bed. On this, experts advise that women should study their husbands to
know if they would be receptive to the idea of experimenting with
styles, so as to avoid sending a wrong signal.
A psychologist, Prof. Toba Elegbeleye,
said cultural factors also come into play when talking about sex. “The
culture here could make women to be passive during sex, because that is
the way it has always been, and so it might seem like a risk for a woman
to go beyond that ‘norm’,” he added.
Fear of pregnancy:
For married women who are not interested
in having a child at a particular time, it is a given for such women to
have fears of getting pregnant before or during sex, especially those
who do not do family planning or use contraceptives. It is also not
impossible for those who use contraceptives to have such fears, given
that doctors have warned that no contraceptive offers 100 per cent
guarantee against pregnancy. Thus, women who are not interested in
pregnancy tend to feel unsettled when they want to have sex.
Anxiety attack:
Speaking on the fears exercised by men and women over their sexual
performance, Elegbeleye, said anxiety attack is another factor that
could dampen people’s sexual performance. He said, “It occurs as a
result of low self esteem, coupled with some negative stories they might
have heard about sex. On the issue of low self esteem, imagine a wife
telling her husband that he doesn’t know how to perform in bed. That man
may not be able to do it well subsequently. That could ruin his self
esteem, and that is part of the reasons why you see some married men
taking to acts like masturbation, because they know nobody would query
their performance. Once a man develops cold feet during sex, that might
be the end of it.
Elegbeleye also explained that when
couples have issues to worry about, like inability to have a child or
financial challenges, that could impair their performance. “This is
because the worry could lead to stress and when you are stressed; your
performance in bed would also take a hit.” He advised that couples
should discuss their fears for a better experience.
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